Nick had called me at work one day last April and told me that we'd gotten a little note in our mailbox indicating that we had a certified letter than needed to be picked up at our downtown post office. He had run down and picked it up and told me I'd never guess what it was. It's not often that one gets a certified letter, but these letters fall in only two categories: really, really bad news or really, really good news. Ever the optimist, I wagered on the good news.
Wrong.
It was not the fun you've-got-unclaimed-money-and-loads-of-it! letter that I'd imagined. Instead, it was a rather formal letter from the city advising us that we had 10 days to cut our grass or else they would send someone over and cut it for us and then charge us a penalty fee for doing so. The letter was complete with a highlighted photocopy of the city code pertaining to the rules about "weeds, grass, and other foreign growth." Apparently, someone had determined that our grass was taller than 12", and this, faithful [2] readers, was punishable and certifiable violation. I'm wondering if they were measuring with some kind of trick ruler, or if the individual who measured it actually passed a high school math class. I'm also wondering if said individual actually knows what parsley, rosemary, lavender and the such look like because those really were the only things at that point measuring over a foot tall.
To put it gently, I was irate over the letter. Livid. Not only was this April (the letter was dated 4/15/2009), but nary a single person in our neighborhood had cracked out their lawnmowers for the first mow of the season. It was that early in the season, and already somebody was complaining? We spoke with another of our neighbors about this (he hadn't received a letter and his yard looked just like ours) and the three of us hatched a conspiracy theory about which of our other neighbors had it out for us. Grrr...
I had a few choice colorful words to say to my dearest Nicholas about this ridiculous letter, and then I composed this letter to the jerkface who had mailed us our certified stinkbomb of a letter:
April 22, 2009
Re: Weeds, Grass and Other Foreign Growth
Dear Mr. XXX,
It is with frustrated bewilderment that we submit this letter in response to your Notice of Violation dated April 15, 2009. We have resided responsibly in this city for 10 years, and we frankly find your Notice to be an affront and a joke.
We hope that you enjoyed the "physical inspection" of our property: the flower pear and cherry trees; the weeded and mulched front garden filled with new spring irises, snap dragons, and clematis; and our side herb garden filled with strawberry crowns, parsley, cilantro, lavender, etc. Clearly your "physical inspection" would have suggested that our property is not one of neglect or dereliction. Nonetheless, we do hope that you provide another "physical inspection" of our property to observe that this "violation" has been addressed. While in the neighborhood, possibly you or your associates could inspect the abundance of other parcels in our neighborhood that have enjoyed April's rain and sun and then proceed to waste additional tax payer's money with costly certified letters to their homes as well.
Should the City of XXX feel so motivated to address "weeds, grass, and other foreign growth" within the city limits, it would be markedly wise and appropriate to consider shedding some direly needed attention on the Canal Path that most assuredly is "bounded in whole or in part by improved and occupied property." This area is routinely grossly overgrown and scattered with letter, not to mention the various shopping carts that find their way into the actual canal. We realize that the conditions of properties tend to fall below established standards for many reasons, and we suggest that you inspect your properties regularly for possible violations.
Genuine thanks for your time and attention.
Kind regards,
R&N
P.S. Happy Earth Day!
We never heard a peep back from them, but we made our feelings quite clear. And that, dear [2] readers, was immeasurably therapeutic.
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